It's a Funny World

[primal defense]

TOO LATE

 

[Duke C #11]

[SIZE=9pt]Subject: Painting the porch[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer,[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]nearby well-to-do neighborhood.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]had any odd jobs for her to do.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said, ''How[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]much will you charge me?'[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about $50?'[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]would need was in the garage.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, 'Does she[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?'[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?'[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately.'[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]'Yes' the blonde replied 'and I even had paint left over, so I gave it[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]two coats.'[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]to her along with a ten dollar tip.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]'And by the way, ' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.[/SIZE]

 

[Juan]

— Twitter API (@twitterapi) November 7, 2011

 

[Duke C #11]

[SIZE=10pt]The Wal-Mart Greeter 

A very loud,very unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into
Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly 'Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no they ain't.  The older one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'

'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,' replied the greeter 'I just couldn't believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'[/SIZE]

 

[Juan]

— Twitter API (@twitterapi) November 7, 2011

 

[Juan]

— Twitter API (@twitterapi) November 7, 2011

— Twitter API (@twitterapi) November 7, 2011

— Twitter API (@twitterapi) November 7, 2011

 

[Duke C #11]

True stories from the medical world:

1. [SIZE=12pt]A man came into the ER and yelled, "My wife's going to have her baby[/SIZE]

[SIZE=12pt]in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the
lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I
noticed that there were several cabs - and I was in the wrong one.
Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX[/SIZE]

 

[Juan]

the sign

sports>politics

 

[Juan]

— Twitter API (@twitterapi) November 7, 2011

 

[Duke C #11]

2. [SIZE=12pt]At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly [/SIZE][SIZE=12pt]and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big[/SIZE]

[SIZE=12pt]breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.
Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA[/SIZE]

 

[Juan]

The Brain Surgeon skit

 

[Duke C #11]

3. [SIZE=12pt]While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How [/SIZE][SIZE=12pt]long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion[/SIZE]

[SIZE=12pt]she answered... "Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."
Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR [/SIZE]

 

[Godz40acres]

— Twitter API (@twitterapi) November 7, 2011

 

[Godz40acres]

— Twitter API (@twitterapi) November 7, 2011

 

[Godz40acres]

— Twitter API (@twitterapi) November 7, 2011

 

[Duke C #11]

4. [SIZE=12pt]I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's [/SIZE]your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the

[SIZE=12pt]Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil
packet labelled "KY Jelly."
Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI[/SIZE]
 

 

[Duke C #11]

5. [SIZE=10pt]A nurse was on duty in the  Emergency Room, when a young woman [/SIZE][SIZE=10pt]with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she
was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic
hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon
wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said,"Sorry, had to mow the lawn."[/SIZE]

 

[Juan]

Alien Crab Found On Mars By NASA Rover, Aug 2015

 

[Duke C #11]

6. [SIZE=10pt]A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed [/SIZE][SIZE=10pt]performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly
burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly he said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?"
She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".
Dr. wouldn't admit his name[/SIZE]

 

[Juan]

Trump at the Roxbury

(will need to click on volume)

— Twitter API (@twitterapi) November 7, 2011