Put a Smile on Your Face

[Duke C #11]

[SIZE=18pt]23. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.  
24. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.  
25. Every calendar's days are numbered.  
26. A lot of money is tainted - it taint yours and it taint mine.  
27. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.  
28. A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.  
29. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.  
30. Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.  
31. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis. [/SIZE]

 

[Duke C #11]

 

[Duke C #11]

MARK TWAIN QUOTES

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Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.

Mark Twain

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A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

Mark Twain

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If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.

Mark Twain

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In religion and politics, people's beliefs and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second hand, and without examination.

Mark Twain

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I have a higher and grander standard of principle than George Washington. He could not lie; I can, but I won't.

Mark Twain

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If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.

Mark Twain

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Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.

Mark Twain

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What a good thing Adam had. When he said a good thing he knew nobody had said it before.

Mark Twain

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Man is the Only Animal that Blushes. Or needs to.

Mark Twain

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It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.

Mark Twain

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The man who doesn't read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read them.

Mark Twain

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A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.

Mark Twain

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An Englishman is a person who does things because they have been done before. An American is a person who does things because they haven't been done before.

Mark Twain

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Good breeding consists of concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person.

Mark Twain

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Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Mark Twain

It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly American criminal class except Congress.

Mark Twain

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Facts are stubborn things, but statistics are more pliable.

Mark Twain

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The history of our race, and each individual's experience, are sown thick with evidence that a truth is not hard to kill and that a lie told well is immortal.

Mark Twain

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[Duke C #11]

 

[Duke C #11]

[SIZE=13.5pt]A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=13.5pt]After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=13.5pt]He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21."[/SIZE]

[SIZE=13.5pt]The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=13.5pt]At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.  The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=13.5pt]The robber then ran from the store with his loot.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=13.5pt]The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=13.5pt]They arrested the robber two hours later.[/SIZE]

 

[Duke C #11]

 

[Duke C #11]

[SIZE=20pt]In 1964, residents of New Hanover Island in Papua New Guinea offered the US government $1,000 for [/SIZE]

[SIZE=20pt]Lyndon Johnson to come and be their chief for life.[/SIZE]

 

[Duke C #11]

For some reason, I can no longer attach pictures. Oh well, all good things must come to an end.

 

[CCausey11]

For some reason, I can no longer attach pictures. Oh well, all good things must come to an end.

Bummer!!   I hope you get this fixed.  I truly enjoy this thread and the laughs it brings me.  Please figure it out Duke

 

[Duke C #11]

View attachment 318

 

[Duke C #11]

Okay, I just have to change the way I'm ding this. As Arnold says, "I'll be back."