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Texas Pregamer: WVU (Barking Carnival)
Kyle Carpenter posted a topic in The Burnt Orange BoardTexas Pregamer: WVU “I’ll light the fire. You place the couch on the porch today” - Crosby, Stills, Stills, & Young In a week very little else going on, we are excited to bring this week’s edition of The Texas Pregamer to your media-starved brains. Prepare your system for that sweet dopamine hit as we wax poetically about Joseph Ossai’s walk off sack against OSU, a Halloween costume that was a pure channeling of Triple B: Bulldog-Bloodlust Bevo®. For as Sanders scrambled in vain for freedom, there was nothing that could stop the thunderous footsteps of the soul of Texas’ defense as he ran not just across the field but through time and space, teleporting Texas fans back a decade to the last time we defeated a Top 10 opponent on the road. 12 tackles, 6 TFL, 3 sacks, 1 forced fumble, 1 fumble recovery, and 1 guarantee that this is definitely his last season in Austin. It had the LHN crew shrieking in Halloween fright: But what of the larger narrative looming above, casting a shadow at least 2.5 Jared Wiley’s long? The push and pull of two Political forces tearing at the fabric of a reality we have become accustomed to since November 2016 (an outcome itself questioned by many at the time) cannot be ignored, not even in a humorous, but very bigly respected column like ours. The Urban incursion vs the Rural, “just trust him, he’s definitely a genius” buy-in for the incumbent. Yes, the internet was rife with rumors and speculation that Tom Herman was “bags half-packed,” his position hanging by the thinnest of threads; like his hairline occasionally does. That Blue Wave was held back from the shores of Longhorn message boards for a week because, when forced to truly embrace his self-prescribed motto here he still is: 1-0. For the Urban camp, watching Texas’ early returns roll in on Tuesday, I couldn’t help but feel that same cautious optimism following the UTEP game. After years of disappointment, it looked like real change was on the crest of a burnt orange wave, rising from the gulf like a hurricane of democratic fervor. Then the clock struck 9 (the week 4 of the election day clock). The fairytale ended in all-too-familiar fashion and Texas the state reverted back to the unfulfilling mean that Texas, the football team, exists in. Do not trust to hope. For it is forsaken in these 40 acres. But you came to their site not for political allegory, but for football talk and we would be remiss to not pay heed to the gridiron gladiators across from us this week, shimmying their way into Austin decked out head to toe in leather and coonskin cap, fringe dancing in the wind, just ever so slightly flirting with that deeply suppressed predilection for BDSM. Tied with the Horns and the Stormin’ Normans for 4th in the Big 12 with 3 conference wins, the Mountaineers arrive representing proud West By God Virginia, a state literally created as an advertisement for John Denver’s Greatest Hits album. I’m sure you’ve all heard the story of how John Denver wrote “Country Roads” - it’s West Virginia’s version of “Did you know Colt and Jordan’s dads were roommates?” Trigger warning Texas fans: it was actually inspired by Maryland (*shudders*). So, the question is — are the Horns ready to exorcise some demons this weekend in a really roundabout way, be they Tangential Terrapin or the all too familiar Turtle Tom? Can we finally avoid the post-big win letdown and punch at the weight we have brainwashed ourselves to expect? Or will we end the weekend in resignation like dearly departed Mr. Sunshine on My G*d Damn Shoulders, with the misty taste of moonshine and teardrops in our eyes? Hook ‘em. Better Know a Roster Chris Mayo (OL, Fr.) - West Virginia is in a constant battle with Bernie-Country for the “Whitest State in America” title. How fitting a name to start off this list for the Wild and Wonderful Whites of West Virginia! Donavan Beaver (OL, R-Fr.) - 0 % chance this kid HASN’T said “I am what I eat” when mocked about his surname: “Lol, amirite?” Casey Legg (K, R-So.) - Their kicker is named for what he uses. Ours is named for what he does. Freddie Brown (WR, R-Fr.), Leddie Brown (RB, Jr.) - This feels like a Johnny “Lam” Jones and “Ham” Jones kind of thing, but I knew DKR, DKR was a friend of mine and you, Neal Brown, are no DKR. Lanell Carr (BANDIT, Fr.) - Think how classy it would be if his name was Flannel Car? Owen Chafin (RB, R-Fr.) - “OAN Chafing” is a good election 2020 Bingo Chyron square. Quamaezius Mosby (CB, R-Jr.) - A truly stunning name. John Hughes (OL, Jr.) - 21-year old...I legitimately wonder how many John Hughes films the average person born in 1999 could name. Surely this kid has self-googled enough to get the Lampoon, teen-feelers, and John Candy parts of the oeuvre. Jarret Doege (QB, R-Jr.) - Much like Joe Theisman and our 45th president from Drumpf to Trump, the Daygee family changed to “Doege” to try to capitalize on the 2010s meme world. Name and Image Likeness savants! Jairo Faverus (CB, Fr.) - This man CHOSE to move from Amsterdam > Bristol, England (for high school) > Morgantown. At this downward trajectory, he will end up getting drafted by Cleveland then splitting his retirement between homes in Libya and Syria. Graeson Malashevich (WR, R-Fr.) - for some reason I want to hear Tom Hardy’s Alfie Solomons from Peaky Blinder say this name a few times in a row. Chase Behrndt (OL, R-Sr.) - Gave them a call last month to try and negotiate a lower APR on my Sapphire Reserve card. Chase Behrndt me! Poll Which is more Hillbilly Eligiac? 14% "VanDarius" as in VanDarius Cowan (BANDIT, R-Jr.) (7 votes) 86% "Nicktroy" as in Nicktroy Fortune (CB, So.) (43 votes) 50 votes total Exree Loe (WLB, R-Jr.) - Really phoning in these Mandalorian ancillary character names. A’varius Sparrow (RB, Fr.) - A various Sparrow appeared! Or is it Avarice Sparrow, which sounds like a ‘Deep State’ operation found on Hunter’s laptop. Real West Virginia Sh*t West Virginia and it’s “world’s richest coal-miner” Governor somehow are trumpeting futuristic technologies by announcing the first Virgin Hyperloop track in the US will be in...West Virginia? Clearly because of the Hyperspeed, hypercool PRT on West Virginia’s campus Headline: “Zombie cicadas” infected with mind-controlling fungus return to West Virginia” West Virginia, Wisconsin, South Carolina are strange bedfellow mate. My new favorite subreddit is called “Russia or West Virginia.” Can’t go a WVU Pregamer without a dose of D Ray or Jesco White: Not just the pervasive Hillbilly cultural myth of the Mothman and the festival they have celebrating it...they also enticed a sitting president to tweet about it! They also have a “roadkill festival” and it draws a crowd! West Virginia is very beautiful though GRID VIEW 1 of 4 Now! That’s What I Call Moo-zik — Vol. 2.something Intern Eli is out again — so, let’s keep this one short and sweet: I respect the hell out of the fact that a West Virginia Pepperoni Roll Cookout playlist only has about 4 songs, but everyone sings them on repeat. Country Roads 2. Sweet Caroline (with the Pitt flair) 3. Lee Greenwood deep cuts 4. The background sound from Noel Devine’s high school mix-tape, the single greatest High School football highlight reel of all time: Predictions Intern Eli: WVU fans go full “Stop the count” as Sam plows ahead for his 5th touchdown of the day. Be Stills my beating hear. Texas 42, WVU 17. VY Pump Fake: Hot off the presses, the Big Noon Kickoff is in the COVID protocol. Surely no one on that cast had recently traveled anywhere, like say a state with the most COVID cases in America. Just cause there’s smoke doesn’t mean there’s FMeyer. Oh, and Texas wins, 38-31. Kyle Carpenter: Like someone rattled a pill bottle and did a “Boone County Mating Call,” West Virginians will be flocking to Austin this weekend. They survived a hefty pre-season Covid run (and didn’t even have to activate 76-year old President E. Gordon Gee), but can they survive the triggered feeling of seeing people in Austin in masks? Texas by a hanging chad: 38-34. Parting Shot I hope to be this cool for any single moment of my life:
I'll just leave this right here