Experience with Dementia Parent?

[DMAC]

Yea its not sports related but my wife's mother is staying with us and has Alzheimer's Disease. Its sad, shocking and very challenging to say the least. I often heard its you are the parent now and they are the child. I completely disagree, its much worse! A newborn, toddler, or rebel teen is a cake walk compared to this.

I have never given up easily on anything but this is .....woah!. Its very difficult trying to understand because they are not on the same mental capacity as normal healthy adults. Its freaking me out TBH

Anyone ever deal with this? Any advice?

 

[DMAC]

One very weird aspect is she forgets she has eaten. So she ends up eating a meal ever 40 minutes. She made herself sick. When I tell her no you have already eaten she gets like pyscho on me. WTF! I am defeated

 

[DMAC]

She asks about her late husband atleast 5 times a day. I just dont have the heart to tell her he died years ago. Its sad but I just tell her "I am not sure where he is"

 

[Grandpa Zorro]

Unfortunately, I have had 3 family members with this horrible disease…too many things to tell you in this forum but some quick ideas:
- it’s not going to get better, it’s going to get worse. This is not her fault or your fault.
- don’t take anything she says or does personally. She is not in control and doesn’t know what she’s doing.
- they will get stuck on something and do it over and over and there’s no real good way to stop it. Like forget she has eaten. My MIL used to call us every night at 3:00am…Every. Single. Night.
- at some point, she will need 24 hour care. When that happens, don’t be afraid to find a good facility. It doesn’t make you a failure. The fact is, you are not equipped to provide 24 hour care. She will start to wander at night and get into trouble. My wife beat herself up over that decision…but the fact is, facilities for dementia patients are better equipped to provide 24 hour care. You still need to be vigilant and hold the caregivers accountable, but it will be better than having her at home. This is a tough thing…really tough.
- it’s not your Mom so you will have a better perspective on how to deal with things than your wife. It will be incredibly hard for her…just let her know you support her and will walk with her down this road. You will need to remind her at some point to take care of herself. She needs to know that when she takes care of herself, she will be better able to care for her Mom.

that’s all for now…it’s a tough journey…I pray that God will provide you and your wife patience and strength to care for your loved one.

 

[UT1983]

My departed wife’s mom had it. My mother-in-law would want to call her parents in Abilene ( died years ago) and my wife would tell her mom her parents died. It would upset her mom and finally told my wife stop telling her that. You are making your mom mourn her parents over and over. We ended up telling my mother-in-law her parents were on vacation and would be home tomorrow. She could call them then. That would appease the mother-in-law and in 10 minutes she completely forgot about her parents.

 

[Sirhornsalot]

I have no experience in this matter, DMAC. I wish I could offer you some advice though I think Zorro has put together a nice list for ya.

I think the important thing here is like Zorro said, don't take it personally. Just manage the situation the best you can until that point where you and your wife have to hand the baton over to some professional caregivers.

I'm going to keep you and your family in my prayers, brother.

 

[DMAC]

Yea its a horrible disease and my wife is already beating herself up over it. The guilt and the stress on my wife is a very powerful combination. Yea its probably getting close to professional care but I am treading this very carefully for my wifes benefit.

Thanks @Grandpa Zorro I appreciate it. I have been talking with an advocate for the Alzheimer's board here in Dallas. I will admit I had heard of this and what it is like but when you actually see it first hand its very unnerving. I want to try to explain things to my mother in law and I tried once but she completely forgot about 20 minutes later.

@UT1983 I agree I have adopted that tactic. No point in upsetting them over and over.

@Sirhornsalot I appreciate it brother. We all go through tough situations. Its difficult watching her and how ti affects my wife. This is one issue I cant fix. I wish I could.

 

[Coot]

I second everything Grandpa Zorro said.

I used to work with demented patients, but only on a short term in-take basis. Keeping her safe is the most important thing. She can and will get lost in familiar places and so wandering off becomes a real danger. That is why 24 hour care often becomes inevitable. She may become unmanageable for you, so if you aren't already looking around to see what Alzheimers facilities are available, you might want to start to do so just in case.

 

[tejasrulz]

@Grandpa Zorro pretty much nails it.

My mom had dementia and my grandfather had Alzheimer's. Please know that they will repeat the same story over and over again but it's their way of trying to remember things. They will sometimes even get mean (especially with Alzheimer's) but don't take it personally, they're frustrated because they can't do or remember things they use to.

If you do end up putting them in a home, know they will call you almost every day begging you to "take them home". They will test your patience a lot and sadly I'll admit I sometimes let it get the better of me. God bless you and your wife during this trying time.

 

[Steelhammer]

Yea its not sports related but my wife's mother is staying with us and has Alzheimer's Disease. Its sad, shocking and very challenging to say the least. I often heard its you are the parent now and they are the child. I completely disagree, its much worse! A newborn, toddler, or rebel teen is a cake walk compared to this.

I have never given up easily on anything but this is .....woah!. Its very difficult trying to understand because they are not on the same mental capacity as normal healthy adults. Its freaking me out TBH

Anyone ever deal with this? Any advice?

Yes we took my mom into our house. I worked out of town. So my wife took care of my mom. We did this six months to year and my wife really got worn down. We took my mom to her doctor which my wife had went to .He told us it was killing my wife. So moved my mom into retirement home.and eventually to nursing home. Know know why went work in nursing remodeling.
Not good for us. They would come down to give her meds and she would hide in dresser.( we found them).She eventually come to point of not eating,wandering, forgot who we were & even forgot how to talk. The talking part doe not happen all time. My prayers are with you & family.

 

[Rotty22]

Yes, my mom went through this. She was still very active but her mind was slowly declining. It was an extremely tough time for me and my family.

 

[Huskie1]

I have no experience here. I will, however, throw up some prayers. I can’t imagine how difficult that must be.

 

[DMAC]

One thing I have noticed is they have good and bad days. Today is a bad day. My wife has been trying to bathe her but she keeps fighting her. She had a small issue remember who I was for a few minutes this morning as well.

Just bought a bed alarm for her.

She opened the back door last night and left the door wide open. Thank god she didnt wander off.

 

[BWilk55]

One thing I have noticed is they have good and bad days. Today is a bad day. My wife has been trying to bathe her but she keeps fighting her. She had a small issue remember who I was for a few minutes this morning as well.

Just bought a bed alarm for her.

She opened the back door last night and left the door wide open. Thank god she didnt wander off.

Sorry to hear about this all DMAC. Some good advice here already. As others have said, no need to answer, correct or argue anything they are saying. Explaining doesn't have have lasting impact. Just nod along and agree.

 

[Baron]

My mom had dementia. I can still remember the sick feeling I had in the pit of my stomach when she asked me who was the young man that picked her up at the airport while we were sitting in her hospital room. DMAC, I'm praying for your family.

 

[UT1983]

Learn to laugh when you can. We gave my mother-in-law a baby doll when she was in the nursing home. The baby gave my mother-in-law a sence of purpose as she tended to it. My wife was trying to converse with her and asked her whose baby was that. She pointed to me and said “His”. My wife looked at me and said something you need to tell me? I just shrugged my shoulders and said “Everyone needs a hobby.”

 

[DBut82]

I have no personal experience with this. But know you and your family are constantly in my prayers @DMAC. Not sure of anything I can do but if you think of anything please feel free to reach out!

 

[tejasrulz]

My mom had dementia. I can still remember the sick feeling I had in the pit of my stomach when she asked me who was the young man that picked her up at the airport while we were sitting in her hospital room. DMAC, I'm praying for your family.

We went to see my mom one time. My wife could tell something was wrong and asked "Do you know who we are?" She said no and I had to run to the men's room so I could cry in private. It was heartbreaking.

 

[DMAC]

Thanks guys for the advice, we appreciate it. Its pretty difficult to watch this terrible disease unfold before our eyes.

 

[hookemhorb]

DMAC
My prayers are with you and your family. My mom went through this but before the disease got bad, she had an accident and spent the last 4 years of her life in a coma. It spared our family of the disease's end of the disease.

My dad had the beginning of dementia before he passed. He didn't always recognize me or my family. One time, I had him over for dinner (he lived in a home with other elderly folks and a doctor and nurse). My wife and kids got back from somewhere and said hi to him before they went to get ready. My dad asked me "Who are they? Do they live here with you?" I was stunned.

On rare occasions, he would get really mean and say things to me or others. I know it wasn't really him speaking. It was the disease, but I pray to God that I never, ever say anything like that to my wife or children.