Put a Smile on Your Face

[Duke C #11]

[SIZE=36pt]Zen Sarcasm[/SIZE]

[SIZE=18pt]1. Do not walk behind me, for I [/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]2. The journey of a thousand miles
begins with a broken fan belt or a
leaky tire.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]3. It's always darkest before dawn , so if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have
their shoes.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=18pt]9. If at first you don't succeed....[/SIZE][SIZE=18pt],[/SIZE] [SIZE=18pt]skydiving is not for you.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]12. Some days you're the bug, some days you're the windshield.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]13. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]14. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put
it back in your pocket.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]16. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It [/SIZE][SIZE=18pt]has a light side and a dark side,[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]and it holds the universe together.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=18pt]17. There are two theories to arguing with a woman - Neither one
works.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]18. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are
moving.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]19. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative[/SIZE]

 

[Duke C #11]

 

[Duke C #11]

[SIZE=10pt]Religions of the World[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]Taoism: Shit happens.
Hare Krishna: Shit happens rama lama ding dong.
Hinduism: This shit happened before.
Islam: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?
Buddhism: When shit happens, is it really shit?
Confucianism: Confucius say, "Shit happens."
7th Day Adventist: Shit happens on Saturdays.
Protestantism: Shit won't happen if I work harder.
Catholicism: If shit happens, I deserve it.
Jehovah's Witness: Knock knock, "Shit happens."
Unitarian: What is this shit?
Mormon: Shit happens again and again and again.
Judaism: Oyvay! Why does this shit always happen to me?
Pentacostalism: Praise the shit!
Atheism: There is no shit.
New Age: Shit happens and it happens to smell good.
Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit. [/SIZE]

 

[Juan]

— Twitter API (@twitterapi) November 7, 2011

 

[Duke C #11]

 

[Duke C #11]

[SIZE=10pt]YOU KNOW YOU ARE IN TEXAS IN JULY WHEN. . . .
The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
The trees are whistling for the dogs.
The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
Hot water now comes out of both taps.
You can make sun tea instantly.
You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.
You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.
You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.
Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end
up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and
add butter, salt and pepper.
Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying
boiled eggs.
The cows are giving evaporated milk.[/SIZE]​

 

[Duke C #11]

Beware of booby traps.

 

[Duke C #11]

[SIZE=13.5pt]HELLO OPERATOR[/SIZE]

[SIZE=13.5pt]Actual call center conversations[/SIZE][SIZE=13.5pt]!

Customer:     'I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get[/SIZE] [SIZE=13.5pt]through; [/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]                     Can you help?'
Operator:     'Where did you get that number, sir?'
Customer:     'It's on the door of your business.'
Operator:     'Sir, those are the hours that we are open.'
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]Samsung Electronics[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]Caller:          'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator:     'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about.'
Caller:          'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly[/SIZE] [SIZE=13.5pt]states that I  [/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]                    Need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and   [/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]                    Telephone Jack before[/SIZE] [SIZE=13.5pt]cleaning. Now, can you give me the [/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]                    Number for Jack?'
Operator:      'I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.'[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]----------------------------------------------------------------------[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]RAC Motoring Services[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]Caller:         'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am [/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]                    Traveling in Australia ?'
Operator:     'Does the product name give you a clue?'[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]--------------------------------------------- -------------------------[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe )
'If I register my car in France , and then take it to England , do I have to change the steering[/SIZE] [SIZE=13.5pt]wheel to the other side of the car?'[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]----------------------------------------------------------------------[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]Directory Enquiries[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]Caller:  'I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off.'[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]----------------------------------------------------------------------[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator:        'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller:             'Yes. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland '[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]----------------------------------------------------------------------[/SIZE]
 

[SIZE=13.5pt]On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone[/SIZE] [SIZE=13.5pt]box told a worried operator: 'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on.'[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]----------------------------------------------------------------------[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]Tech Support:      'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.'
Customer:             'OK.'
Tech Support:      'Did you get a pop-up menu?'
Customer:             'No.'
Tech Support:      'OK . Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer:             'No.'
Tech Support:      'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this [/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]                            Point?'
Customer:            'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'.'[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]----------------------------------------------------------------------[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]Tech Support:      'OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can [/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]                            You see the 'OK' button displayed?'
Customer:            'Wow! How can you see my screen from there?'[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]----------------------------------------------------------------------[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]Caller:  'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I need it. So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file back again?'[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]----------------------------------------------------------------------[/SIZE]
 

[SIZE=13.5pt]This has to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This[/SIZE] [SIZE=13.5pt]is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to[/SIZE] [SIZE=13.5pt]say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for 'Termination without Cause.'

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
(Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator:         'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller:              'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
Operator:         'What sort of trouble??'
Caller:             'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words
                        Went away.'
Operator:         'Went away?'
Caller:              'They disappeared'
Operator:         'Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller:              'Nothing.'
Operator:         'Nothing??'
Caller:              'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator:         'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?'
Caller:              'How do I tell?'
Operator:         'Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the S creen?'
Caller:              'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator:         'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller:              'There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I
                        Type.'
Operator:         'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller:              'What's a monitor?'
Operator:         'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
                         Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?'
Caller:               'I don't know.'
Operator:          'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where
                         The power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller:              'Yes, I think so.'
Operator:         'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's
                        plugged into the wall.
Caller:              'Yes, it is.'
Operator:         'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that
                         there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just
                         one? '
Caller:               'No.'
Operator:          'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and
                         find the other cable.'
Caller:               'Okay, here it is.'
Operator:          'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into
                         the back of your computer.'
Caller:               'I can't reach.'
Operator:          'OK. Well, can you see if it is?'
Caller:               'No.'
Operator:          'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean
                         way over?'
Caller:               'Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's
                         because it's dark.'
Operator:          'Dark?'
Caller:               'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is
                         coming in from the window.'
Operator:           'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller:               'I can't.'
Operator:          'No? Why not?'
Caller:               'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator:           'A power ... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it  
                         licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and  
                         packing stuff that your computer came in?'
Caller:                'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator:           'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it   
                         up just like it was when you got it.[/SIZE] [SIZE=13.5pt]Then take it back to
                          the store you bought it from.'
Caller:                'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator:           'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller:                'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?'
Operator:           'Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer![/SIZE]

 

[Duke C #11]

 

[Duke C #11]

[SIZE=13.5pt]As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember[/SIZE]

[SIZE=13.5pt]1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written[/SIZE]

[SIZE=13.5pt]    An impressive new book.  It's called[/SIZE]

[SIZE=13.5pt]   'Ministers Do More Than Lay People'[/SIZE]

[SIZE=13.5pt]2. Transvestite:    A guy who likes to eat, drink[/SIZE]

[SIZE=13.5pt]    And be Mary[/SIZE]

[SIZE=13.5pt]3. The difference between the Pope and[/SIZE]

[SIZE=13.5pt]    Your boss,  the Pope only expects you[/SIZE]

[SIZE=13.5pt]    To kiss his ring.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=13.5pt]4. My mind works like lightning,  One brilliant[/SIZE]

[SIZE=13.5pt]    Flash  and it is gone.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=13.5pt]5. The only time the world beats a path to[/SIZE]

[SIZE=13.5pt]    Your door is if you're in  the bathroom.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=13.5pt]6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=13.5pt]    The seat folded up, the drink spilled and[/SIZE]

[SIZE=13.5pt]    That ice, well, it really chilled the mood.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=13.5pt]7. It used to be only death and taxes[/SIZE]

[SIZE=13.5pt]    Were inevitable Now, of course, there's [/SIZE]

[SIZE=13.5pt]    Shipping and handling, too.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=13.5pt]8.. A husband is someone who, after taking[/SIZE]

[SIZE=13.5pt]     The trash out, gives the impression that[/SIZE]

[SIZE=13.5pt]     He just cleaned the whole house.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=13.5pt]9 My next house will have no kitchen - just[/SIZE]

[SIZE=13.5pt]    Vending machines and a  large trash can.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=13.5pt]10. A blonde said, 'I was worried that my[/SIZE]

    [SIZE=13.5pt]    Mechanic might try to rip me off.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=13.5pt]      I was relieved when he told me all[/SIZE]

[SIZE=13.5pt]      I needed was turn signal fluid.'[/SIZE]

[SIZE=13.5pt]11. Definition of a teenager?[/SIZE]

      [SIZE=13.5pt]God's punishment...for enjoying sex.[/SIZE]      

[SIZE=13.5pt]12. As you slide down the banister of life, may[/SIZE]

[SIZE=13.5pt]     The splinters never point the wrong way[/SIZE]

 

[Juan]

— Twitter API (@twitterapi) November 7, 2011

 

[Duke C #11]

 

[Juan]

— Twitter API (@twitterapi) November 7, 2011

 

[Duke C #11]

[SIZE=10pt]The Wal-Mart Greeter 

A very loud,very unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into
Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly 'Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no they ain't.  The older one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'

'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,' replied the greeter 'I just couldn't believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'[/SIZE]

 

[Duke C #11]

 

[Duke C #11]

9 WORDS WOMEN USE

 (1) Fine: ? This is the word women use to end an

 argument when they are right and you need to shut

 up.

 (2) Five Minutes: ? ?If she is getting dressed, this

 means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five

 minutes if you have just been given five more

 minutes to watch the game before helping around the

 house.

 (3)Nothing: ? ?This is the calm before the storm.

 This means something, and you should be on your

 toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end

 in fine. ?

 (4)Go Ahead: ? This is a dare, not permission. Don't

 Do It! ? ?

 (5) Loud Sigh: ? This is actually a word, but is a

 non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A

 loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and

 wonders why she is wasting her time standi ng here

 and arguing with you about nothing. ? (Refer back to

 # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

 (6) That's Okay: ? This is one of the most dangerous

 statements a women can make to a man. That's okay

 means she wants to think long and hard before

 deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

 ?

 (7) Thanks: ? A woman is thanking you, do not

 question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want

 to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she

 says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she

 is not thanking you at all. ?DO NOT say 'you're

 welcome' ... that will bring on a 'whatever').

 (8)Whatever: Is a women's way of saying ?Damm YOU!

 (9) Don't worry about it, I got it: ?Another

 dangerous statement, meaning this is something that

 a woman has told a man to do several times, but is

 now doing it herself. This will later result in a

 man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response

 refer to # 3.

 * Send this to the men you know, to warn them about

 arguments they can

 avoid if they remember the terminology.

 * Send this to all the women you know to give them a

 good laugh, cause they know it's true.

 

[Duke C #11]

 

[Duke C #11]

[SIZE=18pt]1. He who jumps off a bridge in Paris is in Seine. 
2. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.  
3. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before. 
4. Practice safe eating - always use condiments. 
5. Shotgun wedding: a case of wife or death.  
6. A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.  
7. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.  
8. Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play. 
9. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?  
10. Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.  
11. Reading while sunbathing makes you well red. [/SIZE]

 

[Duke C #11]

[SIZE=18pt]12. When two egoists meet, it's an I for an I. 
13. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.  
14. Definition of a will: a dead give away. 
15. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.  
16. In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.  
17. She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off. 
 
18. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. 
19. If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?  
20. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.  
21. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.  
22. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. [/SIZE]
 

 

[Juan]